


Definitely Perfect

by blackglass, Jadesfire



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Audio Format: MP3, Audio Format: Streaming, Bridezilla Percy, F/M, Podfic, Podfic Collaboration, Podfic Length: 30-45 Minutes, Schmoop, Wedding
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-27
Updated: 2017-08-27
Packaged: 2018-12-14 00:31:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,605
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11771712
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blackglass/pseuds/blackglass, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jadesfire/pseuds/Jadesfire
Summary: Percy is going to make sure that his wedding is absolutely, totally, 100% perfect.His friends may not survive the experience.





	Definitely Perfect

  
  
Cover art by: [jediseagull](http://archiveofourown.org/users/jediseagull)  


**Right click and save as an[mp3](http://blackglass.parakaproductions.com/podfic/definitely%20perfect.mp3). (Click link for mobile streaming)  
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On reflection, Tary should have chosen a janitor's closet instead. At least the doors there went all the way to the floor. Still, it was too late to worry about that now, and he threw himself into one of the bathroom stalls, slammed the door shut behind him, and leant against it, trying to get his breath back. He'd only taken two great gulps of air when he heard the men's' room door slam open and crisp, rapid footsteps come into the room. There was a pause, and he held his breath, hoping his heartbeat didn't sound so loud outside his own head. Running into Percy at the Mall had been spectacularly bad luck. Getting away before Percy could actually cross the Mall to talk to him had been tricky. Choosing this place to hide in had just been poor judgement.

"You really should have stood on the toilet."

Tary sagged, letting himself breathe again. The voice had come directly from the other side of the door, so there wasn't much point pretending any more.

"There's no lid," he said between gulps, pushing himself upright and opening the door. On the other side, Percy was waiting, still clutching that wretched clipboard, his hair sticking up at wild angles and a smudged fingerprint in the middle of one of his glasses' lenses. "Did you need something?"

"Oh, a few million things, but only a few for you." Producing a pencil apparently from thin air, Percy ran it down the list on the clipboard. "Did you pick up the cummerbunds?"

"And delivered them to the house."

"Did you put the buttonholes in water?"

"I put the flowers for the buttonholes in water. I thought dunking the actual jackets might be a bad plan." The feeble attempt at a joke didn't seem to so much bounce off Percy as pass right through him, apparently without effect. Tary gave in. "They're in the blue room back at the house." Which had rooms of every size, shape and colour, it seemed, and Percy had a specific purpose for each of them. Of course.

"And did you tell Cassandra that the WIldmount cousins should be sat at the back on the left rather than the right?" When Tary didn't reply immediately, Percy looked up, his eyes narrowed. "You did tell Cassandra that, didn't you?"

"I said to Cassandra that you thought it would be a good idea," Tary said slowly. "She...." He swallowed as Percy glared at him hard enough that he could swear he was getting a burn mark on his forehead. "She didn't seem terribly keen on it."

"Didn't she?" The flatness of Percy's voice sent shivers down Tary's spine.

"I'm sorry?" Tary tried, although the apology didn't seem to be having much impact. "Frankly, she's even more terrifying than you, and I didn't really feel I could argue with her."

"Didn't you?" Percy lowered the clipboard a little, so he could poke Tary with his pencil for emphasis. At least he was using the blunt end. "Despite my giving you very clear instructions? Despite it being my wedding? And despite your being _my_ best man?" Blunt end or not, the poke that accompanied the 'my' was definitely going to leave a bruise.

"Yes, Percy, despite all that, because-" He hesitated, and while Percy was distracted by waiting for the answer, Tary made a fumbling grab for the pencil. They wrestled over it for a few seconds, Percy clinging on, and Tary determined to get hold of it. Eventually he resorted to slapping his hand down onto the clipboard so that Percy had to choose which to let go of. As he probably had other pencils but the list had been his (and everyone else's) constant companion for the last two weeks, Tary had been pretty sure which Percy would choose. Once he had possession, he turned the pencil around, and poked Percy back with it. "Because, you idiot, she's your sister. If you want her to do something she doesn't want to do, then I suggest you," he gave Percy an emphatic poke in the breastbone with the eraser, "be the one to tell her."

They glared at each other for a few long seconds, but this was not an argument Tary could afford to lose. Eventually, a tiny crease appeared between Percy's eyebrows, and with a final frown, he looked away, down at his clipboard. He looked up again just long enough to snatch the pencil out of Tary's unresisting fingers.

"Fine," he said. "I shall add it to my list. Which is already quite long enough, so that means you will have to pick up the gazebos."

As that meant a drive out of town, a conversation with sane people who did this sort of thing every day of the week, and a drive back again, Tary thought he could probably cope, but he tried not to look too delighted as he took the address. 

"I'll make sure they're delivered on time," he said, watching carefully as Percy ran his pencil down the list again. "Is there anything else?" Besides that, and ironing tablecloths and helping with the lights in the ballroom and the dozen other jobs that Percy had already given him. At least most of those didn't actually involve the groom himself.

"Not for now." Percy lifted the pencil as though to poke him again, thought better of it, and turned to walk away. "Just don't be late!" he called as a parting shot.

Only once the echo of Percy's voice had faded from the bathroom did Tary let himself breathe again. 

_(In the end, Tary is not only on time, properly dressed and has both rings in his pocket, but he's the one to straighten Percy's tie, put his speech in his jacket and find him a paper bag to hyperventilate into. It's worth it, to be able to be the first to congratulate the happy couple.)_

~

It was cowardly, really, but Keyleth acted on instinct. As soon as she heard Percy's voice out in the shop, she pressed herself to the wall behind the door, hoping he hadn't seen her about to come out from the back. She wasn't hiding, really she wasn't. She…just couldn't be interrupted right now. Because she was busy. With things. Wedding-y things. That was it.

Except it was going to be hard to make that excuse when she had her back to the wall and her eyes closed, desperately hoping that Percy wouldn't-

"Keyleth?"

Damn. "Um. Hi, Percy." She opened one eye just a little, squinting at him as he looked at her. In the light from the open door, he looked harried. And puzzled.

There was a long pause. Keyleth could heard the drip-drip of the sprinklers, out of sync with a tapping sound that she belatedly realised was Percy, rapping his pencil against his clipboard.

Eventually, Percy raised an eyebrow. "Are you okay?" he said.

"Fine!" She opened both her eyes properly and gave him what she hoped was a bright smile. "I'm absolutely fine! How are you? What are you doing here?" When are you going to go away again, and oh, she hoped that last one hadn't been out loud.

Apparently not, because Percy just looked down at his clipboard, giving her a chance to sidle out from behind the door like a non-crazy person. 

"I wanted to check on the table arrangements. It's been hotter than I expected and I wanted to ask whether or not you'd made them up yet in case they wilt."

It was Keyleth's turn to stare for a long moment, while a small voice inside of her reminded her that she loved her friend very much and didn't really want to brain him with a flower pot.

"Percy," she said, drawing in a long breath and wishing she hadn't attended so many meditation classes so she could just get angry like a normal person, "are you honestly telling me how to be a florist? Also, it is not hot."

"I said it was hotter than expected. The forecast promised no higher than seventy-five, but I made it at least seventy-six out today, and-"

"Percy!" Another deep breath didn't really help. She wondered if it was too late for the flower pot. "I know what I'm doing, okay? Your table arrangements will be as perfect as I can make them. Flowers are not like technology, they're as much an art as a science, and-" she went on quickly as he opened his mouth, "-I don't care how much you've read on the internet. You asked me to do this for a reason, and you're just going to have to trust me."

"I asked you to do this because you're my friend," he said, frowning a little, then softening when he looked up and saw her glaring at him. "And because I trust you." Then his eyes narrowed, as he caught sight of something behind her. "Is that your bridesmaid's dress? Back here? With all this water?"

Keyleth sighed, and resigned herself to the inevitable lecture. At the least the shop was quiet, so she wouldn't be missed for the half hour of her life that she wasn't going to get back.

_(Not only do the centerpieces survive the experience, the flowers for Vex and Velora's hair look stunning, even if Keyleth does say so herself. Her own dress, safe in its carrier, makes her feel like as much of a princess as Vex, although it has a sad lack of places to hide tissues. When Vax produces one from his pocket, he has to dry his own eyes on it first before passing it to her._

_Later, Percy dances with all the bridesmaids (and Vax), and as he leads Keyleth around the floor, he pulls her close, pressing their cheeks together._

_"Thank you," he says. "You made it magical.")_

~

Pike and Grog had almost finished unloading, when she heard crisp footsteps on the gravel behind her.

"Oh dear," she said, and Grog looked up, frowning. 

"I thought Cassandra said he was going to be out for the day?"

"Me too." Counting to three, and putting on her cheeriest smile, Pike turned as Percy came striding up the drive towards them. "Hi, Percy. How are you doing?"

"Busy," he said, waving in their general direction with something that she belatedly realised was a pencil. "What are you doing?"

"Unloading." Grog looked from Pike to Percy and back again. "Scanlan sent us ahead with all his stuff."

"He's not here?"

Great. Nice one. So much for subtle and reassuring. Resisting the urge to roll her eyes at Grog, Pike managed to keep the smile on her face. Just. "Not yet. But we agreed that. He'll be here tomorrow morning, first thing. Like we agreed." 

"Oh." Percy glanced down at the damn clipboard again, nodding to himself as much as them. "Right. Yes. Got that here."

"See? No problem." Grog hefted a speaker onto his shoulder, picked up an amp in his other hand and headed off towards the house with suspicious speed. "I'm just going to take these inside."

Pike turned to watch him go, glaring at his retreating back while Percy couldn't see her face. _Traitor_. Forcing the smile back into place, she looked back to where Percy was apparently inspecting the equipment.

"It's all here?" he asked.

"Everything matches the list Scanlan gave us. And the list you gave him. And the list you had Cassandra email to us. And the note you left us."

"Great." He looked at the clipboard again. "Actually, while I see you, I wanted to ask you about the vows. I think Vex should have sent them through. I mean, I asked her to, and she said she did, but I wanted to check."

"You asked her to, and she said she did," Pike repeated, raising one eyebrow a little. "Doubting her word isn't exactly a good start, Percy."

"I'm not doubting, I'm checking." He was trying for pompous, but it fell a little short.

Pike looked at the ruffled hair, loosened tie and crumpled notes on the clipboard, and took pity on him. "I got them just fine. They're in my suit bag, which is in my room in the house already. And I have two spare copies in case either of you forget yours." He opened his mouth to ask something else, so she went on quickly, "And I have my licence, in duplicate, along with three forms of ID, just in case." 

Percy's eyes were on the clipboard again, so Pike took silence as approval, hefted one of the amps and started towards the house.

"You're not just going to leave all this here, are you?" Percy asked, gesturing at the rest of Scanlan's gear.

Sighing a little, Pike put the amp down again. "Percy-"

"I mean, it might get stolen!"

"The gates are closed, and you have to be buzzed in."

"Or run over by another delivery vehicle."

Pike looked around the vast front drive of the de Rolo mansion. It was larger than the floor plan of the whole apartment block she'd grown up in. "I think they can probably manage to miss us."

"Or-"

"Percy!" She hadn't meant to shout, even if it had been effective and she pressed her lips together, forcing herself to speak normally. "It will be fine. Everything is timed so that deliveries don't clash with each other. Cassandra's got it all in hand."

At the mention of his sister's name, Percy's shoulders dropped a little, and he nodded, albeit somewhat reluctantly. "Right. I'm sure she has."

As that actually seemed to have worked, Pike seized her opportunity, "She's inside. You can check with her if you like." 

"Right. Good plan."

Watching him disappear into the house, already calling for Cassandra, Pike lifted her eyes heavenward. 

"Sorry, but what was I supposed to do?" she asked, lifting the amp again and following him inside. She'd pray for Cassandra's forgiveness later.

_(The party is amazing, with Scanlan outdoing himself on the music front, and Grog seriously enjoying the number of attractive people asking him to dance. Pike downs too many shots all at once, and it takes her a few hours to mellow out again, smiling up at Vax as he drops into the seat next to hers._

_"Nice job, Pickle," he says, reaching over to ruffle her already-ruined hair. "Not that they helped much."_

_Percy had half-choked on his vows so that Pike had wondered whether she needed to have him repeat them. Vex hadn't been much better, and getting their attention away from each other and into the actual legal marriage ceremony had been challenging at times._

_"Worth it," she says, and doesn't refuse when Vax lines up the next row of shot glasses._

_She wakes up with a tray balanced on her head, and, because she knows Vax, goes straight to Instagram to leave him a row of the rudest emoji she can find.)_

~

Hearing someone calling her name, Cassandra held up a hand to pause the conversation she was having, and took a step closer to the balustrade.

"Up here," she called, before turning back to Vax. "Sorry. Like I said, things are well ahead of schedule, which is great, thank you. What would be great is if-"

"Cassandra!"

This time she recognised the voice, as did Vax apparently. Their eyes met, and he grinned. "He only knows _you're_ up here," he said, turning on his heel and vanishing down the corridor before Cassandra could catch him. 

She settled for turning her cold stare on Percy as he took the stairs two at a time, his clipboard in one hand and what looked like a well-bitten pencil in the other. It took a good deal of self-control not to hide her own clipboard behind her back. At least she was using a proper pen.

"Did you want something, Percival?" she asked, directing some of her annoyance at Vax at him. 

That was a tactical error, because it immediately caught Percy's attention. "What's happened?" he asked, looking around. "Has something gone wrong?"

"Everything's fine," she said, holding out a hand reassuringly. "Caterers, music, chairs, staff. Everything is fine. All you have to do is put on your suit and turn up on time."

Percy gave a hollow laugh. "Oh yes, that's all."

"No. Really." Reaching out, Cassandra pulled the clipboard out of his hands before he could grip it tightly enough. She took a step back as he grabbed for it, comparing her list with his. "Everything here is already on my list. If you try to do them as well, you'll only confuse people."

"But-"

"What you need to do is check that your suit is all in order, then go away."

"But-"

"No. Really. Away." She looked up at him, holding both clipboards in front of her like a shield. "I run this house more than competently when you're not here. If you make it hard to do while you are here, so help me, you will spend the first night of your married life in a tent in the back garden because you will be banned from the mansion."

"You wouldn't."

"Try me. I doubt Vex would care."

"She'd probably invite Trinket to join us in the tent," Percy grumbled, but he backed off, running a hand through his hair and making even more of a mess of it than it had been before. "Isn't there anything I can do?"

"Check your suit," Cassandra said again, "edit your speech, which I already know is too long."

"How do you-"

"I just know." She hesitated, glancing at her list again. "Apart from that, there's only one other thing I want done, but you're not going to want to do it."

That was enough of a challenge that some colour rose into Percy's cheeks again and he lifted his chin determinedly. "Try me," he said.

She'd been right. He didn't want to do it, but one thing Cassandra had always admired about her brother - not that she'd ever tell him so - was that he didn't back down. And while he was the only one she really trusted with this, it had the equally beneficial effect of getting him out of the house for a few hours, so that everyone else could get on with their work.

There weren't many times that Cassandra managed to land in a win-win situation, but as Vax peered around the corner to check that Percy had really gone, she had to give herself at least a small pat on the back for achieving this one.

Turning to Vax, she crooked a finger at him, summoning him back towards her. She hadn't quite forgiven him for abandoning her at the first sign of Percy, and he could still make himself useful.

After all, Trinket would need a nice, long walk at some point this afternoon.

_(If she didn't know what her absence would do to Percy, Cassandra would seriously consider waiting out the ceremony in her bedroom. She's glad she didn't, but watching her brother so happy he's practically glowing does strange things to her. It's helpful, having caterers to boss around and bartenders to keep an eye on._

_Ten minutes before he's due at the altar, Percy finds her, grabs her and just hugs her. It's not really something either of them are programmed for, all these feelings flying around the place, and it's sort of reassuring that he seems as lost as she feels._

_Ten minutes after he walks away from the altar, still holding the hand of his brand new wife, he puts his free hand on her shoulder and waits until she meets his eyes._

_"Thank you," he says. "It's perfect."_

_Cassandra blows out a long breath. "Well, mostly. Sorry about the-"_

_"Cassandra." His voice is firm, even as he's smiling. "It's everything I could have asked for, and more. Now go." He gives her a slight shove, already turning away again. "Enjoy yourself."_

_She watches him go, not sure whether to grin or roll her eyes. There's far too much still to look after for her to fully enjoy herself but, under the circumstances, she might just try. Later.)_

~

Vex had heard the engine, so she was already halfway down the stairs to the front door when the car horn started beeping.

"I'm coming!" she yelled, although there was no way Percy could hear her yet. She half tumbled down the last few stairs, caught herself on the front door and flung it open, finally skidding to a stop with a bump at the car door.

"Very dignified," Percy said as she climbed in beside him and leaned over to kiss him on the cheek. "I hope you plan to come up the aisle more slowly than that."

"That'll be up to Vax," she said, and laughed when Percy grimaced. "Don't worry, darling. We've done plenty of rehearsals and everything will be fine."

"I hope so." Percy had one hand on the steering wheel, and he reached out to her with the other, gripping her hand when she took it. "I want it to be perfect for you."

"Then you're going to be sorely disappointed." She had to grab the door handle with her free hand as Percy swerved suddenly, and she shook her head, trying not to laugh. "Oh, Percy, nothing's ever absolutely perfect. Something always goes wrong, you know that."

"I am doing my best to make sure that it doesn't." He let her go and put both hands on the wheel, gripping it tightly enough that his knuckles were pale. "But if you've thought of something, now is the time to say. Is it the flowers? I knew we should have-"

"It's not the flowers," she said firmly, cutting him off before he could get too carried away. "And I don't know what, but I do know that no matter how much you try, no battle plan survives contact with the enemy. And I also know that it doesn't matter."

She put a hand on his arm, gently, and waited until his death-grip on the wheel relaxed a little. "What matters is us. And it's not that I don't want all the other things as well. It's just that I want you more."

Percy opened his mouth to say something, and then closed it again. There was a flush creeping up his neck and across the tops of his ears, and it was all Vex could do not to reach over and brush his hair out of the way so she could see it better. 

After a moment, he cleared his throat and said, "It's just as well you want the other things. I don't think you can return a couture dress."

Laughing, Vex slipped her hand into his as he dropped it down again. "Exactly. And especially not after I found the perfect necklace to go with it."

"Cassandra said. Although she did have her head between her knees at the time. I think the bill was making her lightheaded."

"It was worth every penny," Vex said, and Percy lifted her hand to his lips and kissed it lightly.

"You are," he said. 

They drove in easy silence for a while, until Vex stirred herself enough to take in their surroundings. "I thought we were going to the house," she said.

"I'm banned." Percy shook his head, apparently sensing her curious expression even though he kept his eyes on the road. "Cassandra asked me to do something else for her." He tipped his head towards the back of the car, just a little, and Vex turned to look.

The sweet scent that she'd assumed was from one of Percy's errands earlier came to her more strongly now, and she ran her eyes over the piles of flowers on the back seat. She wasn't as good at this as Keyleth, but she could pick out the lilies and roses, the white heads so huge that they were weighing down the greenery and the paper they were wrapped in. The colours for the wedding were silvers, blues and purples, so they couldn't be for that, and Percy had already said they weren't going to the house.

When she turned back to him, Percy's eyes were fixed on the road again. "Cassandra arranged them herself, I think. They're for Memorial Park. And once we've been there, there's another bouquet for Woodlawn."

Oh. Vex found herself suddenly unable to swallow, and she realised that she was holding Percy's hand so tightly that she was going to leave nail marks. "That was very thoughtful of her," she choked out, looking back at the flowers.

Eight bouquets. Seven for Percy and one for her.

"Does Vax know?" she asked, and Percy nodded.

"He wrote a note. It's on the bouquet with the orchids. I think Cassandra mostly asked me to do it to get me out of the house."

Which might have been half-true, but it was the other half that mattered to Vex. "Well, it worked," she said. "And it's a good idea." Managing to unclench her fist so that they were holding hands more sensibly again, she leaned back in her seat, watching the grey of the city give way to the green of the suburbs, eventually the houses petering out so that there were only rolling hills and distant mountains to be seen.

Vex had always wondered why cemeteries had such beautiful settings, but now she thought she understood, and was grateful for it. They pulled up to the gates, and Percy hesitated, glancing at her, his expression guarded.

"I can do this part alone, if you want," he said.

She'd known he'd offer, and she hadn't know what she was going to say until now. For answer, she gave his hand a light squeeze and shook her head. "We might not have said the vows yet," she said, "but for better or worse starts here, I suppose. And something about in sorrow and in joy?"

Percy released her hand so he could turn into the grounds, something tight in his face relaxing. Smiling, just a little, he said, "We rehearsed them enough times, I would have thought you'd remember."

And Vex laughed, which should have been inappropriate here and now, but for them, for this new start of a life together, felt exactly right.

_("You were wrong, you know," Percy says late into the evening. When Vex looks up at him, his cravat is askew, and there's still lipstick on his jaw from where Keyleth kissed him congratulations earlier. She's seen him more than half-drunk, and there's something of that air about him, although she knows he barely touched his champagne._

_"We've only been married a few hours and you're already telling me I'm wrong?" she says, letting him move them slowly around the dance floor. "Is this something I'm going to have to get used to?"_

_He hums noncommittally, lowering his face to hers for a kiss before smiling. "You were wrong about something going wrong. From where I'm standing, it's all just about perfect."_

_There had been emergencies, of course. The gazebo flowers had dropped off randomly overnight, and Velora seemed to have grown an inch since she'd had her dress fitted. Someone had spilled red wine on the Mayor's wife's shoes, and the white wine had been served far too warm._

_"You're right," she says, kissing him back, then turning to rest her head against his shoulder. "Definitely perfect.")_

**Author's Note:**

> blackglass's notes: So real talk, ever since The Reveal I've been (not so) mildly salty that I was denied the opportunity for Bridezilla!Percy, the most tenderly cherished desire of my shipper heart. But this is what fanfic is for. A million thanks to my writer, Jadesfire, for writing me the story of MY DREAMS. And to jediseagull who made that FUCKING GORGEOUS cover art. 
> 
> Sound effects: [1](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xRmc0wTdvek), [2](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QQaYi2wN7C8), [3](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4vA8CD3TkFk), [4](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yYwxoxF7U64), [5](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eLCVW9EWz7s), [6](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=anb3LeUbyGU), [7](http://freesound.org/people/bennychico11/sounds/29542/), [8](http://freesound.org/people/THE_bizniss/sounds/58202/).
> 
> Jadesfire's notes: This fic is a perfect storm of Blackglass wanting it to exist and my wanting to write something for her to podfic. Huge thanks, my dear, for not only letting me butt in on the reading, but also pushing me to make it a better a story.


End file.
